HUWAG MALIBOK
JOE
kS Laang
School Notes
These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi School District. (Spellings have been left intact.)
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
***
Stumbling to Find Words
At a posh Manhattan dinner party, a Latin American visitor was telling the guests about this home country and himself. As he concluded, he said, "And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children."
As his listeners appeared to be waiting for him to continue, he said, haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable."
Puzzled glances prompted him to try to clarify the matter: "What I mean is, my wife is inconceivable."
As his companions seemed amused, he floundered deeper into the intricacies of the English language, explaining triumphantly, "That is, my wife, she is impregnable!"
Being A Team Player!
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is that we play together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your parents."
***
My son, a high school senior, went to take a national
literacy test recently. A sign on the classroom door read "Literacy Testing in Progress: Do Not Distrub!"
***
I posed this question to my thoughtful father: "If you could have any superpower in the world, what would it be?"
He replied, "Russia."
***
I won't be hiring this assistant soon, even if her resume boasts, "I'm a team player with 16 years of assassinating experience."
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost boobs...
{B} Barely there
{C} Can't complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake
{G} Get a Reduction
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!
DOCTOR'S OPINION
The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and
the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some assholes in Washington.
***
A Brave Man True bravery is arriving home late after a guy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
Excited Father
The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family who were waiting for the news: "We had twins!"
The family was so excited they immediately asked, "Who do they look like?"
The father paused, smiled, and said, "Each other!"
Married Fifty Years!
On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.
The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no 'I' in the word 'marriage.'"
The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."
My stomach hurts
A little girl went up to her mother one day, holding her stomach and said, "Mommy, my stomach hurts."
Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!" She then prepared a bowl of soup for the girl.
Later that day, when a professor and his wife were over for dinner, the professor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, "I have a terrible headache!"
The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile, and said, "I know what's wrong! That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"
My new girlfriend, Karen, got a job at a local hardware
store. "The owner doesn't want us hanging out with our
friends," she said. "If you stop by, tell them you're my
brother."
On my first visit I walked to the customer service desk
and asked the older woman there, "Is Karen around?" When
she looked at me quizzically, I added, "I'm her brother."
She smiled. "What a nice surprise. I'm Karen's mother."
After I bought my mother a compact-disc player and some CDs,
she was excited to discover she no longer needed to rewind or
fast-forward tapes or move the needle on her record player.
Knowing she was not that technically astute, I called her a
few days later to see how she was managing. "Fine. I listened
to Shania Twain this morning," she said.
"The whole CD?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "just one side."
Vancouver Winter Olympic jokes Olympic gold medal figure skater Evan Lysacek has now stated
publicly he is dating a fellow Olympic gold medalist gymnast Nastia
Liukin. This is really surprising. A male figure skater is dating
a woman? (Janice Hough)
------
One of the risque photos that got U.S. snowboarder Scotty Lago
sent home from the Olympics showed a young woman crouching to
kiss his bronze medal below his waist. Apparently it was all a
misunderstanding she flipped the medal and he called heads. (RJ
Currie)
------
More controversy from the Vancouver Olympics. It is rumored that one
of the male figure skaters has tested positive for extremely high
levels of Elizabeth Taylor's White Diamonds perfume. (Alex Kaseberg)
------
More than 100,000 free condoms have been distributed in the Olympic
Village, because if there's one thing we don't want, it's the best
athletes in the world getting together and producing more. (Jimmy
Kimmel)
|
Red Lights
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my! Am I driving?"
***
Top 10 Jokes About Health Care Reform
1. "The health care bill was introduced yesterday. It's 1,990 pages long and costs $894 billion dollars. Or $2.2 million per word. That makes them the most expensive words to come out of Washington since 'Mission Accomplished.'" --Jimmy Fallon
2. "If conservatives get to call universal healthcare 'socialized medicine,' I get to call private, for-profit healthcare 'soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.'" --Bill Maher
3. "Not such a great day for the health care reform. The so-called public option died on the Senate floor today. It could have survived, but apparently it had a pre-existing condition." -Craig Ferguson
4. "President Obama says he will not support a health-care plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, 'pull the plug on Grandma.' Apparently, Obama's plan calls for the much quicker pillow option." --Conan O'Brien
5. "Barack Obama has been working hard to push his healthcare proposal. Obama still wants the bill to be bipartisan, but he's a realist, and given the near unanimous Republican opposition he's facing, now says he'd be satisfied if the bill was just bicurious." --Jimmy Kimmel
6. "The health care overhaul will extend coverage to 30 million people who are uninsured, or, as Walmart calls them, employees." –Jimmy Fallon
7. "Congressman John Boehner told a crowd of protesters yesterday that the new health care bill was the 'greatest threat to freedom he's ever seen.' And then the Taliban was like, 'Uh, helloooo? What?!'" –Jimmy Fallon
8. "To win passage for this health-care bill, President Obama went up to Capitol Hill and personally lobbied some of the wavering congressmen. And of course, the health insurance industry, they were very upset. You know, they said they bought and paid for these congressmen, he has no right to go up to them and talk to them." –Jay Leno
9. "You know what is worse than being sick and not having health insurance? Having to sit through the Lieberman filibuster that kept it from you." –Jon Stewart
10. "The big news was the Senate yesterday - the finance committee - rejected the Democrats' health-care plan, the one with the public option. Meanwhile, the Republicans are offering their own health-care plan. It's called, 'Stop Crying and Take an Advil.'" --Jimmy Fallon 
Early in December 1952, a cold fog caused Londoners to burn more coal than usual. When the resulting pollution was trapped by the dense mass of cold air, concentrations of pollutants built up dramatically. By the time it lifted, the smog had caused or advanced the deaths of thousands of people—most of whom were very young or elderly or had pre-existing respiratory problems—leading to a new focus on the dangers of air pollution. Even indoor events were cancelled during the Great Smog; why? 
On the morning of March 11, 2004, 10 explosions occurred aboard four commuter trains in Madrid. The series of coordinated bombings killed 191 people and wounded 2,050, making it the deadliest terrorist attack in Spain's history. Although a Basque militant group was originally suspected of the attack, an investigation revealed that it was carried out by an al-Qaeda-inspired terrorist cell. The bombings occurred three days before Spain's general elections and exactly 911 days after what event? 
Tasso, an Italian poet, was one of the foremost writers of the Renaissance as well as one of its tragic figures. After penning many popular works, Tasso became psychologically unstable and was intermittently confined to a hospital in his later life. He is best known for writing Gerusalemme liberata—Jerusalem Delivered—an epic of chivalric exploits during the First Crusade. Considered his masterpiece, it has influenced countless poets. Why, then, did Tasso heavily revise it? 
