HUWAG MALIBOK
JOEkS Laang 2
(From anonymous sender)
ALAM mo ba na ang 3-70 at 13-20 ay magkapareho?
3-70 : Trisibinti.
13-20 : Trisibinti.
Pareho, ‘di ba?
***
BOY: Miss, apoy ka ba?
GIRL: Bakit?
BOY: Kasi… ALAB you!
GIRL: Ah, ok. Oy! Ang haba na ng bigote mo, ah?!
BOY: Ano naman?
GIRL: AHET you!
***
PASYENTE: Dok, ano po ba ang sakit ko?
DOK: Iho, maraming kumplikasyon ang sakit mo.
PASYENTE: Ano nga ho ‘yon, dok?
DOK: May sakit ka sa atay, hepa B. May sakit ka sa puso at sa baga. Samakatuwid, may TB ka.
PASYENTE: Ano ho ‘yon, dok? Flat TV o LCD?
***
Sabi nila, ok kumalas kesa maging panakip-butas!
Sabi naman ng iba, mas ok magpakatanga basta naipaglaban nila ‘yung mahal nila!
Pero alam mo, para sa akin, mas ok mag-isa kesa magmahal ng walang kuwenta!
***
Nang ma-in love ako, marami akong natutunan…
Magpagabi, magsinungaling, bahala na kung mapagalitan basta happy ako!
Pero nang masaktan ako, tama si ermat… no words can define LOVE kundi… kalandian!
***
Sometimes, I feel like the last cookie in a jar… all alone and broken… Pero yummy pa rin!
***
Sabi nila, mali ang magmahal nang sobra… mali rin ang magmahal nang kulang.
Kailangan, ‘yung tama lang.
Paano nga ba magmahal nang tama?! Kung wala ka namang syota?!
Pambihira naman!!!
***
Minsan, ang quotes, parang ligaw na bala.
Kahit hindi para sa ‘yo… tinatamaan ka.
***
BOY: (nag-txt) Break na tayo!
GIRL: Ha?! Y naman, bhe? Watz d prob?! Huhuhuhu…
BOY: Aw! Sori, bhe! Wrong send! Mwah!
GIRL: Aw! Ok, akala ko, ako… I love you!
***
Pagdating ng panahon, magugulat ka na lang sa katotohanan na ang pinakamasaya mong sandali sa iyong buhay ay ‘yung mga panahon na hindi mo ginamit ang utak mo.
***
Sa hinaba-haba man ng tulog ko… ikaw pa rin ang dahilan ng bawat paggising ko.
***
Huwag mong ipagsiksikan ang sarili mo sa taong ayaw sa ‘yo… dahil kung hindi ka para sa kanya…
Malay mo, para sa akin ka?!
***
Oo na! Sige na! Puro kalokohan lang ang alam ko!
Pero sana… alam mong ikaw lang ang kinalolokohan ko.
***
Distance is never a reason to forget a friend.
You know why?
Kasi, DISTANCE is always equal to VELOCITY multiplied by TIME.
Wala namang FORGET sa equation, ‘di ba?
***
I know that there’s a big chance that people don’t like me.
However, there’s a bigger chance… that I don’t care.
***
Love is like a lotto game.
Out of the millions who take their chances, only one combination hits the jackpot.
Pero minsan… may kahati pa.
***
Kung iiwas ka, hindi ka tatamaan.
Pero kung nakita mo nang tatamaan ka pero hindi ka umiwas… wala kang karapatang umaray pag nasaktan ka.
***"According to Buckingham Palace, the British royal family could be broke by 2012. That's what happens when nobody in your family has a job in 600 years." -Jay Leno
Buying a Car
A husband and wife were debating on buying a new car. She wanted a fast sports car. He wanted a pickup. As time passed on, her birthday came up and she thought it a great time to fulfill her wish.
She told her husband, "Look, I want something that can go from 0 to 200. Furthermore, I want it to be able to do it in just a few seconds!"
The husband bought her a bathroom scale.
(The funeral is at 3:00pm Wednesday)
***
A lawyer walks into his client's death row cell and says, "I've got good news, and bad news for you.. " The prisoner says. " Okay. What's the bad news? " "The bad news is that the Governor won't issue a stay of your execution...you go to the chair at 7 PM tonight." "Oh, that's horrible. What possibly could be the good news?"
"The good news is that I got your voltage reduced!"
**
Popular Sayings, modified by the Internet
- Home is where you hang your @
- The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
- A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
- You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
- Great groups from little icons grow.
- Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
- C: is the root of all directories.
- Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
- Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
- The modem is the message.
- Too many clicks spoil the browse.
- The geek shall inherit the earth.
- A chat has nine lives.
- Don't byte off more than you can view.
- Fax is stranger than fiction.
- What boots up must come down.
- Windows will never cease.
- In Gates we trust.
- Virtual reality is its own reward.
- Modulation in all things.
- A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
- Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
- There's no place like http://www.home.com or http.//www.calauag.com
- Know what to expect before you connect.
- Oh, what a tangled Web site we weave when first we practice.
***
The things babies say...
"Close the curtains," requested our 2 year old granddaughter, sitting in a pool of bright light. "The sun's looking at me too hard."
My friend asked our grandson when he would turn 6. He replied, "When I'm tired of being 5."
Seeing her first hailstorm, Mary Sue, age 3, exclaimed, "Mommy, it's raining dumplings!"
As I frantically waved away a pesky fly with a white dishtowel, my granddaughter observed, "Maybe he thinks you're surrendering."
Announcing to daughter Lori that her aunt just had a baby and it looked like her uncle, she said, "You mean he has a mustache?"
When I asked our grandson if he could name the capital of Florida, he fired right back, "capital F!"
While shampooing our son, 4, I noted his hair was growing so fast he'd soon need it cut. He replied, "Maybe we shouldn't water it so much."
My daughter told her 5-year-old that their van was going to be fixed. Instantly, the small fry assumed, "Oh, it's going to the tire-o-practor?"
Impressed by her 5-year-old's vocabulary, my friend complimented the young scholar, who nonchalantly responded, " I have words in my head I haven't even used yet."
His mom informed her son, Brian, that she was going outside to get a little sun. "But Mommy, he gulped, "You already have a son -- me!"
When our son asked about two look-alike classmates at school, we told him they were probably twins. The next day, he came home from school all bubbly and said, "Guess what? They are not only twins, they're brothers!"
***
WEIRD MEANINGS
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.
Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine water-power .
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Opportunist: A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says midway "See I am not injured yet."
Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Computer Engineer: Someone who gets paid for reading these type of mails.
Wooden Spoons
One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces.
When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons."
As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon, and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction.
I approached Mrs. Jones to test my theory.
"Why wooden spoons?" I asked.
"Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to twenty-three metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'll go nuts."
**
A Brave Man
True bravery is arriving home late after a guy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
**
Marriage Wisdom
When a woman in my office became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. "The first ten years are the hardest."
"How long have you been married?" she asked.
"Ten years," came the immediate reply.
**
12-Step Internet Recovery Program
1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.
2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3. I will get dressed before noon.
4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.
5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.
6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.
7. I will read a book... if I still remember how.
8. I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the
Internet.
9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.
12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!***
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a
vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
"OK," says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.
***
"All animals, except man, know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it." -Samuel Butler
***
"All mankind is divided into three classes: those who are immovable, those who are movable; and those who move."
-Benjamin Franklin
Basketball News
Speedy Morris was the basketball coach at LaSalle and they were having a pretty good season. One morning, he was shaving and the phone rang. His wife answered it and called out to him that Sports Illustrated wanted to talk to him.
Coach Morris was excited that his team was apparently about to receive national recognition in this famous sports magazine. As a matter of fact, he was so excited that he
cut himself with his razor.
Covered with blood and shaving lather and running downstairs to the phone, he tripped and fell down the stairs. Finally, bleeding and bruised, he made it to the phone and breath-
lessly said, "Hello"?
The voice on the other end asked, "Is this Speedy Morris"?
"Yes, yes!" he replied excitedly.
Then the voice continued, "Mr. Morris, for just seventy-five cents an issue, we can give you a one-year subscription to Sports Illustrated."
"Here's good news: For the first time in 30 years, American children have improved their reading scores. Now they can read English almost as well as Chinese children."
-Jimmy Fallon
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman’s additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, “Children are a gift from God,” he said.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, “Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.”
And the congregation said, “Amen”.
(((
School Notes
These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi School District. (Spellings have been left intact.)
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
***
Stumbling to Find Words
At a posh Manhattan dinner party, a Latin American visitor was telling the guests about this home country and himself. As he concluded, he said, "And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children."
As his listeners appeared to be waiting for him to continue, he said, haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable."
Puzzled glances prompted him to try to clarify the matter: "What I mean is, my wife is inconceivable."
As his companions seemed amused, he floundered deeper into the intricacies of the English language, explaining triumphantly, "That is, my wife, she is impregnable!"
Being A Team Player!
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is that we play together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your parents."
***
My son, a high school senior, went to take a national
literacy test recently. A sign on the classroom door read "Literacy Testing in Progress: Do Not Distrub!"
***
I posed this question to my thoughtful father: "If you could have any superpower in the world, what would it be?"
He replied, "Russia."
***
I won't be hiring this assistant soon, even if her resume boasts, "I'm a team player with 16 years of assassinating experience."
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost boobs...
{B} Barely there
{C} Can't complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake
{G} Get a Reduction
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!
DOCTOR'S OPINION
The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and
the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some assholes in Washington.
***
A Brave Man True bravery is arriving home late after a guy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
Excited Father
The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family who were waiting for the news: "We had twins!"
The family was so excited they immediately asked, "Who do they look like?"
The father paused, smiled, and said, "Each other!"
Married Fifty Years!
On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.
The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no 'I' in the word 'marriage.'"
The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."
My stomach hurts
A little girl went up to her mother one day, holding her stomach and said, "Mommy, my stomach hurts."
Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!" She then prepared a bowl of soup for the girl.
Later that day, when a professor and his wife were over for dinner, the professor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, "I have a terrible headache!"
The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile, and said, "I know what's wrong! That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"
My new girlfriend, Karen, got a job at a local hardware
store. "The owner doesn't want us hanging out with our
friends," she said. "If you stop by, tell them you're my
brother."
On my first visit I walked to the customer service desk
and asked the older woman there, "Is Karen around?" When
she looked at me quizzically, I added, "I'm her brother."
She smiled. "What a nice surprise. I'm Karen's mother."
After I bought my mother a compact-disc player and some CDs,
she was excited to discover she no longer needed to rewind or
fast-forward tapes or move the needle on her record player.
Knowing she was not that technically astute, I called her a
few days later to see how she was managing. "Fine. I listened
to Shania Twain this morning," she said.
"The whole CD?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "just one side."
Vancouver Winter Olympic jokes Olympic gold medal figure skater Evan Lysacek has now stated
publicly he is dating a fellow Olympic gold medalist gymnast Nastia
Liukin. This is really surprising. A male figure skater is dating
a woman? (Janice Hough)
------
One of the risque photos that got U.S. snowboarder Scotty Lago
sent home from the Olympics showed a young woman crouching to
kiss his bronze medal below his waist. Apparently it was all a
misunderstanding she flipped the medal and he called heads. (RJ
Currie)
------
More controversy from the Vancouver Olympics. It is rumored that one
of the male figure skaters has tested positive for extremely high
levels of Elizabeth Taylor's White Diamonds perfume. (Alex Kaseberg)
------
More than 100,000 free condoms have been distributed in the Olympic
Village, because if there's one thing we don't want, it's the best
athletes in the world getting together and producing more. (Jimmy
Kimmel)
|
Red Lights
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my! Am I driving?"
***
Top 10 Jokes About Health Care Reform
1. "The health care bill was introduced yesterday. It's 1,990 pages long and costs $894 billion dollars. Or $2.2 million per word. That makes them the most expensive words to come out of Washington since 'Mission Accomplished.'" --Jimmy Fallon
2. "If conservatives get to call universal healthcare 'socialized medicine,' I get to call private, for-profit healthcare 'soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.'" --Bill Maher
3. "Not such a great day for the health care reform. The so-called public option died on the Senate floor today. It could have survived, but apparently it had a pre-existing condition." -Craig Ferguson
4. "President Obama says he will not support a health-care plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, 'pull the plug on Grandma.' Apparently, Obama's plan calls for the much quicker pillow option." --Conan O'Brien
5. "Barack Obama has been working hard to push his healthcare proposal. Obama still wants the bill to be bipartisan, but he's a realist, and given the near unanimous Republican opposition he's facing, now says he'd be satisfied if the bill was just bicurious." --Jimmy Kimmel
6. "The health care overhaul will extend coverage to 30 million people who are uninsured, or, as Walmart calls them, employees." –Jimmy Fallon
7. "Congressman John Boehner told a crowd of protesters yesterday that the new health care bill was the 'greatest threat to freedom he's ever seen.' And then the Taliban was like, 'Uh, helloooo? What?!'" –Jimmy Fallon
8. "To win passage for this health-care bill, President Obama went up to Capitol Hill and personally lobbied some of the wavering congressmen. And of course, the health insurance industry, they were very upset. You know, they said they bought and paid for these congressmen, he has no right to go up to them and talk to them." –Jay Leno
9. "You know what is worse than being sick and not having health insurance? Having to sit through the Lieberman filibuster that kept it from you." –Jon Stewart
10. "The big news was the Senate yesterday - the finance committee - rejected the Democrats' health-care plan, the one with the public option. Meanwhile, the Republicans are offering their own health-care plan. It's called, 'Stop Crying and Take an Advil.'" --Jimmy Fallon
John Lloyd waiting for Blanche
BADANG: Nakakasuka na ang usapang Ondoy at Pepeng. Puro dakdak. Balugbugan mo nga ang mga kinauuukulan dito. 
Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life, until the boat sinks. He finds himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. 
