YANO YAN AY!
HUWAG MALIBOK
JOEkS Laang 2
BADANG: Sino ba ang nagsabing si Manny Pacquiao at Lito Lapid ay walang karapatang kumandidato dahil sila'y “unqualified professional entertainers."
TWINKLE: It's Ely Pamatong, a presidential candidate who said: “Both Pacquiao and Lapid are politically blind, being unschooled in the art of governance and politically leadership. We cannot just simply hold our hands akimbo and idiotically watch our republic being feasted upon by these power-hungry political pedestrians who want to grab everything in sight."
BADANG: Maloloki aki. Pero masaya rin kapag may gay-an. Maigi ring gat-an. Isa-Tagalog mo nga ang sey nya.
BADANG: Anong masasabi mo sa karumaldumal na Maguindanao masaker?
TWINKLE: It was not an outburst of uncontrollable anger – it was premeditated. Where the perpetrators’ conviction to carry out the killings had materialized, it developed into frenzied baseness, not only to rob the victims of their lives, but their honor and dignity as well. It was rape, it was mutilation, it was execution, it was the most vicious form of murder perpetrated by the most grotesque version of human beings.
BADANG: Nakapanindig ng balahibo naman. Parang bumalintong ang aking menudensya sa iyong tinuran. Sana, tahimik ang ating bansa.
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BADANG: Nanlululumo ako rito sa sa report na umabot na sa 57 ang walang awang pinaslang sa Maguindanao. Talagang nakakapanginig ng laman.
TWINKLE: The Philippines had one of the highest rates of journalist killings in the world even prior to this heinous episode of barbarism. The clear role that warlordism plays in this, one of the bloodiest episodes in recent Philippine history, should not absolve the government of its accountability for the larger environment it has tolerated, patronized and therefore nurture.
BADANG: Kung kakampi ng administrasyon ang may pasimuno nito, kamukat-mukat nati'y mauuwi sa balswals ang lahat.
BADANG: Walandyo, may bago na naman tayong hero sa katauhan ni Efren Penaflorida!!! Anong sey mo dyaan?
TWINKLE: With the accolades and eventually more rewards he will be reaping from hereon, may his will and efforts, together with his group, remain to be genuinely selfless... unspoiled, untainted, unadulterated and uncorrupted by soon-to-be endless chain of material rewards and instant recognition expectedly by careerist politicians and other opportunists feeding on vested interests...
BADANG: May tama ka. Pustahan tayo, tiyak may magsusulsol na agad dyan na iindorso ang kanilang kandidatura. Logro dyes!
BADANG: Mukhang naglulumpatan na ang mga pulitiko naka-angkla sa administrasyon.
TWINKLE: The departure of several key leaders and the expected intramurals among the ruling party will turn convert it from a dominant political party into a political weakling. I expect many administratiion bets who might win to switch party loyalty once an opposition candidate is elected president. For sure, the switcheroo will be completed before one could finish saying the magic word “pork barrel.”
BADANG: Sa simula nga, namamangka muna sa dalawang ilog habang nakatanaw sa pampang. Pero yung iba lumarga nang maging balimbing.
BADANG: Bakit daming kiyaw-kiyaw at tsismaks na tatakbong bise presidente ang kasalukuyang presidente? Anong sey mo baga dyaan?
TWINKLE: But lest we forget, we are a country populated by politicians afflicted with the most severe cases of narcissism so the fact that quite a number of our national leaders actually scrambled all over themselves to register their reactions was to be expected. Even those who wanted to say they had no comment on the matter, still managed to say quite a mouthful in the process.
BADANG: Ako naman, ang opinyon ko dyaan, puro tayo oragon sa pagnga-ngawa, pero kapalang sa gawa.
BADANG: Anong dahilan at sinasabing kulelat na tayo sa larangan ng edukasyon kumpara sa ibang bansa?
TWINKLE: Hidden under the endless layers of obfuscation by international and local mainstream media, the “mis-educational” system, the damaged social institutions, government is the fundamental obstacle to the Philippines’ prosperity: The domination by foreign powers of our country perpetrated through the local oligarchy. The oligarchy serves as the foreign powers’ administrators, implementing policies to maintain the exploitation and transfer of the wealth out to the foreign principals.
BADANG: Kaya pala maraming pangkal sa mga klasmeyts ko noon. Proud akong nakapag major in beauty parlor, minor in embroidery sa Samson Tech.
BADANG: Ano ba yan, late na raw ako sa pagrehistro para makaboto sa darating na eleksyon?
TWINKLE: The deadline of voters registration is supposed to be 120 days prior to election on May 14, 2010 and therefore, the deadline is January 9, 2010. We presume that COMELEC with plenty of lawyers in its employ, is aware that it is mandated by Republic Act 8189 or the Voters Registration Act of 1996 to abide by which include continuing registration daily.
BADANG: Yano naman ay. ganun pala, tikab hindi nila ipatupad. May pumipedido na nga ng boto ko.
BADANG: Continue the going pa rin ang ugaling Pinoy na humingi ng payo sa mga pumanaw nating ninuno.
TWINKLE: It is interesting that our culture teaches us to reach out to our dead ancestors for advice on our personal problems. Whether we believe in life after death or not, we commune with them to settle old misunderstandings and to assure them of our fidelity to promises made. (Read more for related article)
BADANG: Hindi ako magiispanta dyan dahil kitam naman, hangos pauwi kahit may signos ng bagyo at puno ang sementeryo tuwing todos los santos.
Weird Meaning: CEMETERY - The last resort.
TWINKLE: There are fears of large-scale fraud, machine breakdowns, electricity cuts and other disasters that could happen, considering the process has been untested here and elsewhere in the world. The Filipino voting public has become very cynical when it comes to the legitimacy of elections hereabouts. And when it comes to choosing their leader, they are even more skeptical.
BADANG: Nadadala na siguro ang madlang pipol. Puro promise na lang kasi habang campaigning pero kapag nakaluklok na sa pwesto, nagkaka-amnesia.
Weird Meaning: ELECTION - The process by which the winners are decided not by the voters but those who are in charge of the counting.
***
BADANG: Totoo bang may pagkakaiba ang teachers sa private and public schools?
TWINKLE: In the private school, a teacher needs to give beyond what they already know, a teacher must be at least 10 books ahead 
of them, a lot of preparation and teaching strategies are to be employed. In the public school where most of the students are deprived and less privileged, both economically and socially, a teacher faces the great task of bringing out the best in them and the most of what they know.
BADANG: Hay naku, mataas kasi matrikula sa private schools kaya dehins pwede ang mga poor. Adyo ka nga muna at kunin mo yung malapni. Paglalagyan ko nitong nabili kong talimago.
Weird Meaning: EDUCATION - Teaching a child how to talk then how to keep quiet.
***
BADANG: Kwento nung kumare kong taga Sabang, legal syang na-recruit bilang mananahi sa Korea. Pero pagdating dun, isinabak sya bilang factory worker. Ayun, umuwing luhaan dahil hindi nya nakayanan.
TWINKLE: It is not always that migrant workers' job are what they were recruited. Some are assigned to do other jobs, have to operate heavy machinery or work with dangerous chemicals with little or no training or protective equipment, and suffer a disproportionate number of industrial accidents. Women migrant workers are particularly at risk because many are sexually assaulted or harassed by the management or their co-workers.
BADANG: Kaya nga OKs na ako dito sa aking pagmamanikyur plus sideline na pangungubra ng lotto at pasingit na jueteng. Sa konting kita, may pang load at tong-its na.
Weird Meaning: WORK - The worst thing that you can do for your health.
BADANG: Ganda ng panahon ngayon, lumihis ang bagyo. Pero maiba ako sa usapan, ano kayang bagay ang magpapabago sa mga taong nahihirati sa pagkakasala?
TWINKLE: Love is the keyword, which we should remember. We 
cannot change the sinful structure at once. It should start from person. Love must start in everybody, in a small scale and have to grow. A lot of things happen if we open up to love. Let's put away our prejudices and look at our worries with our new eyes.
BADANG: Dukhawin mo yung pakaskas dyan sa banggerahan at makapag matamis. Naalibadbaran ako sinabi mo kasi dehins ko ma-gets.
Weird Meaning: LOVE - The most fun you can have without laughing.
BADANG: Marami na palang bansa ang naghandog ng tulong sa Pinas dahilan sa pananalanta ni Ondoy at Pepeng.
TWINKLE: The recent climate catastrophe in the country expectedly called the attention of the international community. In solidarity with the already poor and still impoverished thousands of Filipino families, different countries already sent their much appreciated rescue and/or relief services. Such was the gravity and extent of the devastation that even the United Nations (UN) decided to send its assistance in cash and in kind to the Philippines who's government is in financial turmoil because of its burgeoning national debt.
BADANG: Dami ngang nag-nenegar, hindi sila natatapunan ng ayuda samantalang yung ibang wais, grabe na ang nahaharbat.
Weird Meaning: NATIONAL DEBT - The country's most outstanding figure.
BADANG: Totoo bang nangyayari ngayon, tuliro na ang mga Pinoy kaya madaling kaya madaling utuin ng mga pulitiko tuwing eleksyon sa pamamagitan ng mga boladas?
TWINKLE: Anybody with a sense of mental balance can easily gauge the gravity of our people’s disorientation by just observing how they react to many issues of politics. For one, a typically disoriented Filipino would run berserk and even put on line his life if denied his right to vote. No explanation can satisfy him because that right is sacred to him. But the same person perhaps driven by poverty ponders in agonizing frustration over what he and his family routinely suffer in having nothing to share in the dinner table.
BADANG: Wala talagang magagawa kapag kawalan at gutom ang umiral. Siempre, uunahin ang kapakanan ng pamilya dahil hindi raw nakakain ang prinsipio.
Weird Meaning: POVERTY - The only thing wrong with the poor.
BADANG: Nakakasuka na ang usapang Ondoy at Pepeng. Puro dakdak. Balugbugan mo nga ang mga kinauuukulan dito.
TWINKLE: Everyone will need to change something, and cooperation will be needed from all levels. To start things along and avoid misconception in governance, our so-called leaders and heads of concerned government agencies must come up with concrete plans to address the problems of overpopulation, garbage disposal, illegal logging, quarrying and over-development of urban areas. Our leaders, national and local, need to quit adding to the garbage by ceasing their pointless talk, pointless activities, finger-pointing and posturing to pay attention to their own backyard
BADANG: Nasa mapuyog sila sa pusngat ng iyong mga sinabi. Hindi naman puod ang kokote ng ating opisyales para hindi nila maintindihan na galit na ang mga tao.
Weird Meaning: MISCONCEPTION - The pregnancy that begins while observing birth control.
BADANG: Baken sa lasa ko'y iwas pusoy sa kanilang programa de gobyerno ang mga kandidato? Di kaya, dahil alaws o alaws nag-uurirat?
TWINKLE: When nobody asks about any program of government, it is because none is expected. Yet, there was interest in the coming elections and in the personalities who posture to be candidates. All the more so towards those who had been spending from tens of millions to hundreds of millions in media advertisements. Filipinos, even among the poorest, know in their guts that programs of government are not what get candidates elected, or not elected. Platforms for governance have no meaning anymore, especially when members of political parties cannot even memorize the philosophy of what their parties really stand for that makes them distinct from their rivals.
BADANG: Mas may bentahe talaga kapag pogi o may datung ang isang kandidato. Sayang nga laang, kahit kampante ako sa beauty ko, kapalang naman ako sa ipalas.
Weird Meaning: PHILOSOPHY - Unintelligble dissertation and multifarious yet mouthful response to insoluble problems.
BADANG: Mga iskwater pala ang sinisisi sa baha sa Metro Manila. May balita rin na mga contractors ng kalsada ang may kasalanan at kinakalampag din ang mga local officials sa kanilang pagpapabaya.
TWINKLE: I am more inclined to think the odds militate against an urgent inculcation of a collective sense of social responsibility, given our puerile obstinacy to mend our ways. Like I often disapprovingly say, we Filipinos are generally sticks in the mud in the pursuit of national unity and progress. Everybody should be blamed, in varying degrees, for the criminal mindlessness of ozone perforations and clogged-up sewers and waterways. Ondoy, certainly, had left behind some lessons to learn from, particularly the value of human life, synergistic human interaction, and the countless blessings that we all can count.
BADANG: Naku, stop na nga ang turuan. Mabuti nga at kalmado na sa may kuyasinan, pwede nang pumalaot ang mga maghahapin.
Weird Meaning: PROGRESS - To end result of things not attended by Congress.
BADANG: Sa gitna ng napalaking danyos ni Ondoy, hala nga, ano naman ang sey mo?
TWINKLE: The government and the private sector should now think one step ahead of the current situation and ponder the next phase of the work — rehabilitation. Both should act swiftly and massively not only because the situation calls for it. They should step on it because doing so would not only restore some sense of normalcy to the lives of the victims and their families or entire communities. Such coordinated response executed ahead of an election season could rocket-propel the economy from its lethargic growth clip to a blockbuster performance next year.
BADANG: Walandyo, paras pakinggan nyan kahit dehins gets ang meaning. Pero, mangyayari ba? Lalo na ngayon at hangalan 2010 na ang inaatupag ng mga gustong maglingkod kuno.
Weird Meaning: REHABILITATION - The act of rebuilding the damaged properties based on inflated cost of construction in aid of reelection.
BADANG: Sino sa palagay ang dapat batuhin na ng sisi na syang may kagagawan ng matinding pagbaha sa Metro Manila!
TWINKLE: Definitely, if we will consult the meteorological and climate scientists, mindless miners, fishermen and loggers and their commissioned patrons, corrupt infrastructure and highways government personnel, and even the stubborn poor who insist on dumping their garbage in esteros and this forever inefficient and unprepared corrupt government and its corpocratic local and global partners in syndicated dexterity at keeping the poor in misery as their annual profit surges — they surely know the answer.
BADANG: Bakit naman pati miembro ng urban poor ay nadamay? Wala naman yata silang kinita dyaan.
Weird Meaning: CONSULT - To seek another's disapproval of a course already decided on.
BADANG: Tumataas ang bilang ng mga nasawi at halaga ng ariariang napinsala dulot ng bagyong si Ondoy. Kitang kita sa youtube ang mga kaganapan.
TWINKLE: In the aftermath of Ondoy, not only are we are forced to look into ourselves and see to the welfare of our loved ones, friends and neighbors, but we have been given the mother of all wake up calls. Tropical storms and typhoons in recent history have been much worse than ever before, and the latest CALAMITY compels us to know that we can no longer afford to be careless and uncaring about our environment. Each one of us has a responsibility to our world. We cannot solely depend on leaders to make things right or do things for us.
BADANG: Ay awan, pinaguusapan lang naman yan pagkatapos ng kalamidad. Maka-maka mo, dating gawi rin. Dedma.
Weird Meaning: CALAMITY - A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering.
BADANG: Paano kaya talaga makaka-ahon ang Pinas sa malungkot na kalagayan sa ngayon?
TWINKLE: We must change the system and elect somebody with good leadership. Our party systems are being followed by adherents to old school of thougts. That is why we keep electing unworthy leaders. A lot of our politicians have the means, the connection and the guile to secure a position. But after they are elected, they have no idea what to do with it.
BADANG: Maraming idea, kaya lang, puro idea, ngawa at dada, kulang sa gawa.
Weird Meaning: ADHERENTS - Those who have not yet obtained all that they expect to get.
BADANG: Grabe na agad ang banatan ng mga presidentiables. Ano bagang OK na basehan ng pagpili sa kanila?
TWINKLE: Talent and knowledge, not just good intentions, not just family pedigree, solid achievement, not sloganeering and moralizing, and a real platform for governance, not incessant negativism and criticism. Let us look for someone whom we can trust to lead us into the battles of the future, not just endlessly replay the nostalgic battles of the past.
BADANG: Say naman ng others dyan, mientras matalino, mas magaling gumawa ng korapsyon. Para tayong nasa lala-o, palaging nabubulaos.
Weird Meaning: POLITICAL PLATFORM - A political party battlecry and agenda consisting mainly of springboards.
BADANG: Totoo nga bang tinuya at pinagsabihan ni Kabayan Noli de Castro na mga tamad at tambay ang grupo ng mahihirap na nagpo-protesta laban sa pamahalaan?
TWINKLE: Had he allowed his journalist’s senses work, Kabayan would have known that their problems with government lie deep in the abyss of helplessness. He would have known that since these so-called lazybones were born, they were already denied their chance to health care, better education and get better-paying jobs to improve their living condition. Or maybe he just thinks rather simply, as some tambays do.
BADANG: Kuwari't ibinoto noon, yan nga ba, umaligwa na ang tunay na kulay.
Weird Meaning: IDIOT - He sets the fashions and opinion of taste, dictates the limitation of speech and circumscribes the conduct with a dead-line.
BADANG: Ano kaya ang magandang rason bakit binabanatan ni Lacson si Erap eh dati silang magkasangga?
TWINKLE: There are those who think that to accuse your former boss, there is a bigger picture behid. There is also the metaphor that some people are using to support this theory is that of a drowning man who is splashing around, clutching at anything and anyone around him, in the process dragging them down with him.
BADANG: Dyaan makikitang maligmik talaga ang pulitika. Kaya nga yanong tanggi kong kumandidato kahit sa barangay.
Weird Meaning: ACCUSE - Most commonly used as a justification of ourselves for having wronged somebody.
BADANG: Debate kanina sa radyo at namamayagpag ang yellow ribbon sa pagtakbo ni Noynoy bilang presidente.
TWINKLE: One really cannot see comfort and valuable historical truth while allowing even token genuflection at the yellow ribbon because even a hint of respect for it reinforces a myriad of lies in the service of oligarchic and corporatocratic exploitation.
BADANG: Sa oras ng eleksyon, technicolor na ang labanan dahil parang butterfly, iba-iba kulay ang maglalabasan. Pero ang magiging matingkad na kulay ay berde, ang kadatungan.
Weird Meaning: COMFORT - A state of mind produced by a contemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness.
***
BADANG: OK ngarud naman pala ang tinatawag na automation election para sa hangalan 2010.
TWINKLE: There are apprehensions that because it will be the first time we will be using automated counting machines under a still untested system, the potentials of a failure of elections are real. The computers may be tampered with “so as to cause intentional breakdown” while the wirings may be “short-circuited.
BADANG: Puro agrangay naman ang mga pipol. Na-imagine ko, dating sigaw ng mga olat: Pag tinalo, dinaya!
Weird Meaning: AUTOMATED POLLS - The recent inovation in our election to avoid the repetition of Hello Garci bu may pave the way for electing more fools.
BADANG: Hirap mamimili kung sino ang magiging manok natin sa pagka presidente. TWINKLE: Voting for a president is essentially an emotional exercise. For the troops, it is passion versus the political machine, guerrilla tactics vs conventional warfare, good vs evil, class warfare at its fiercest. But for those who are elected but not able to deliver, it's a blame game. BADANG: Ang sabihin mo, labanan ng kung sinong may datung. Pista na naman sa matinik sa araw ng eleksyon. Weird Meaning: ELECTION - A process of voting for a leader but those elected are not necessarily the ones voted for. 
BADANG: Diskusyon sa radio ang old traditional politics. Ano ba yun?
TWINKLE: The old traditional politics is a politics of personality. And the politics of personality is a part of the larger traditional politics of “winnability”. The old politics believes that one of the key ingredients of winnability, is to have a personality with name recall and national exposure. That is why traditional politics is like a circus filled with candidates who are clowns, showbiz personalities and those who have lots of money to spend on advertising in TV, radio, and newspapers.
BADANG: Awanta. Makapag hanap buhay na nga para may pambili ng load. Text mo na lang ako kapag tsitsibug na ha?
Weird Meaning: CIRCUS- Animals acting like people and people acting like animals.
TWINKLE: The plethora of mini-sectors of Philippine society represented in Congress by party-list representatives suggests anti-marginalization having run amuck. Every minor profession and every mini-activity in this country now wants its "cause" to be represented in Congress.
BADANG: Hindi yata umobra yung alyansa ng magsasabong. Next time, pati raw grupo ng magto tong-its, lalantak din!
Weird Meaning: CONGRESS - A place where people are always in agreement to disagree on everything under the sun except on their pork barrel allocations.
***
BADANG: Palagi nga akong pasang awa at muntik-muntikan nang mahulog.
BADANG: Kinikerbyos ako kapag naiisip na gurang na tayo at amoy lupa na. Baka madalang na ang magpahinuko sa akin.
TWINKLE: If we didn't live venturously, plucking the wild goat by the beard, and trembling over precipices, we should never be depressed, I've no doubt; but already should be faded, fatalistic and aged.
BADANG: Tama bang pag naging popular ang isang tao o may nagawang kabutihan, kaagad itong susulsulang pumasok sa pulitika?
TWINKLE: Rather than wallowing in elitism or looking glassy eyed at past glories or what could have been, we should be looking at the track-record of people to see what they have done and if their accomplishments can be generalized elsewhere. There is much that can be done to improve our governance and the voters must be on the lookout for those who nurture ambition to be in the public service.
BADANG: Malabo yan dahil ngayon popularity contest ang eksena tuwing may eleksyon. Ang may kakayahan pero dehins maporma at no datung, no pansin.
Weird Meaning: AMBITION - An overpowering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
BADANG: Ilang buwan na lang at hangalan na naman. Nag-start nang maglundagan ang mga pulitiko kung saang partido may datung at mas pabor sa kanila
TWINKLE: In societies with a more developed party system, the party-hopper (balimbing) might expect to be met with a wave of condemnation from his or her members. Not only that, but any offer to return to the fold would probably be met with irate rejection. The problem here is that Philippine mainstream parties have very few, if any, members who really bound to follow the political platform of their affiliations.
BADANG: Alaw delicadeza todits ang mga pulitiko. Pakapalmuksan ang mas uso.
Weird Meaning: POLITICAL PLATFORM - A stage constructed entirely of springboards.
BADANG: Pinagtatalunan sa radio yung vox populi, vox dei. Dapat bang bumilib dun?
TWINKLE: "Nec audiesto sunt qui solet docere, ‘Vox populi, vox Dei,’ cum tumultousitas vulgi simper insanitas proxima est."
The literal translation in English: "Do not listen to those who are accustomed to claim ’the voice of the people is the voice of God’ because the tumult of the masses is close to insanity!"
BADANG: Walandyo naman, nag-latin ka pa! Eh kung laitin kata dyaan!
Weird Meanng: TUMULT - Those who are advocating vox populi, vox dei might be seeing ghost during the lunar interlude.
A Not-So-Deserted Island
Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a
Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life, until the boat sinks. He finds himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-but, that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools or
hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
Ed is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,
"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How
about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end inside of a swivel mechanism.
"Wow! This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..."
She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing: "You
mean----", he swallows excitedly, "I can check my e-mail from here?" ABANGAN ANG MGA DARATING NA PALABAS SA PINAS
Cooking Eggs
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful.
CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
***Oops...
Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co- worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware.
As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report.
"Not really," Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased. Everyone around us froze as she continued, "I only bought a little pot."***
Internet Lingo
The language of the internet is full of shortcuts. Some, like LOL (laugh out loud) and KISS(keep It Simple Stupid) have gone mainstream. But new online lingo is always popping up.
AYPI: And Your Point Is?
AWGTHTGTTA: Are We Going to Have to Go Through This Again?
BEG: Big Evil Grin
HHO1/2 K: Ha HA, Only Half Kidding
***Show and Tell
Stopping to pick up my daughter at kindergarten, I found out that the topic of "Show and Tell" that day had been parents' occupations.
The teacher pulled me aside. Whispering, she advised, "You might want to explain a little bit more to your daughter what you do for a living."
I work as a training consultant and often conduct my seminars in motel conference rooms.
When I asked why, the teacher explained, "Your daughter told the class she wasn't sure what you did, but said you got dressed real pretty and went to work at motels."
***
JOEKS LaAng
***
Linguistics
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive.
In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."
"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."
***Energy
Engineering classes at the University of Maryland are tough, and struggling students sometimes go to extremes in order to pass. Grading exams one semester, I got to this question: "What is the relationship between kinetic and potential energy?"
One student, obviously stumped, decided to get clever and wrote, "As far as I know, they're just friends, but there could be something else going on there."
*** Priest and Pastor
A priest and pastor from the local parishes were standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that read, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. As the first driver sped past, he yelled, "Leave us alone...we don't believe in that religious stuff!"
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. One clergyman said to the other, "Do you think we should just put up a sign that says, 'Bridge Out' instead?"
*** Exercise Techniques
Physical exercise is good for you. We know that we should do it daily, but our bodies don't want us to do too much, so here's a program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.
01) Beating around the bush
02) Jumping to conclusions
03) Climbing the walls
04) Swallowing your pride
05) Passing the buck
06) Throwing your weight around
07) Dragging your heels
08) Pushing your luck
09) Making mountains out of molehills
10) Hitting the nail on the head
11) Wading through paperwork
12) Bending over backwards
13) Jumping on the bandwagon
14) Balancing the books
15) Running around in circles
16) Eating crow
17) Tooting your own horn
18) Climbing the ladder of success
19) Pulling out all the stops
20) Adding fuel to the fire
21) Opening a can of worms
22) Putting your foot in your mouth
23) Starting the ball rolling
24) Going over the edge
25) Picking up the pieces
Whew! That's a workout! Now sit down and
26) Exercise caution.
Police Quotes
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers? Sports Team Names
Top 19 Rejected International Sports Team Names:
19. Brussels Sprouts
18. Cannes Openers
17. Amsterdam Yankees
16. Vienna Sausages
15. Belgium Waffles
14. Manila Folders
13. Czech Bouncers
12. New Dehli Catessans
11. Buenos Airheads
10. Guadalajara Krishnas
9. Iraqi Raccoons
8. Bolivia DeHavillands
7. Seoul Brothers
6. Taipei Personalities
5. Syria Killers
4. Hungary Jacks
3. Dublin Mint Twins
2. Prague Tologists
1. Peking Toms
Working Man Blues
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so ...they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because ...it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that ...was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but ...I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just ...didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I...couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found ...I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I...didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I ...just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I ...couldn't live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I ...tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work was ...just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I ...wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in a fitness-center, but they said I ...wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I ...was discharged.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was ...no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it ...was always the same old grind.
MUSIC TO THE EARS
A conductor was having a lot of trouble with a drummer. He constantly gave this guy personal attention and much advice, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he took a critical jab at the drummer,
"When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer -- which must be why you play the drums."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section,
"And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."TRAFFIC CAMERA
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding...
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a fourth time with the same result.
He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.Life's Plan
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well planned life?"
"Yes," said her friend, "My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go!"
HOW MUCH IS RETIREMENT PAY?
You may avail of this instead of a Nursing Home.
When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service ( which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7or 14 days.
7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.
Pinoy One-Liners
"The more the merrier."
"What are friends are for."
"Been there, been that."
"Come! Let's join us."
"The sky is the langit."
"Don't touch me not!"
"Are ou sure ka na ba?"
"What's your next class before this?"
"Well,well,well,look who we have here?"
"I always go there sometimes."
"Give him the benefit daw!!"
"It's a blessing in the sky!"
"I don't know for you."
"That's what I'm talking bout."
"Long time no look."
"In fairness..."
"It's you there talking about."
"Speaking of the devil."
"Never the mind." Doctor, doctor lalo akong naging sick Nang magtsi-check out na si Magda sa kanyang pagpapa-opera, biglang gulat nya na sinisingil siya ng P50,000 bilang bayad sa anesthesiologist. Sabi ng hospital clerk, sa doctor siya makipagusap. Tinawagan ni Magda ang doctor.
Magda: Doc, bakit naman ganun kataas ang singil mo eh pinatulog mo lang ako?
Doc: For your info, libre nga yung pagpapatulog ko sa iyo.
Magda: Ganun po pala, bakit ganun ang bill?
Doc: Ang P50,000 ay bayad sa serbisyo ko kung paano ka pa magigising.
New version of Bahay Kubo Bahay ko po
Dami putik,
Ang pumasok doon
Ay sari-sari.
Nilamas na karton,
Sirang medyas at damit,
Silya, basurang mapanghe.
“Ondoy” parusa, binura Marikina,
At saka meron pa: lubog ang Edsa,
Montalban at Pasig, Taytay at Cainta,
Sa paligid-ligid ay puno ng baha. Her Speech Impediment!
Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"
"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."
"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"
"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.
"What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow.
"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"
"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!"
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Actual Lines from Resumes submitted by Americans
I am very detail-oreinted.
My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.
It's best for employers that I not work with people.
Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.
If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.
My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job." And I like your company in particular.
You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!
I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.
Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.
Please disregard the attached resume -- it is terribly out of date.
Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.
Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.
Previous experience: Self-employed--a fiasco.
Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.
My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.
Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.
I am a rabid typist.
Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.
I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.
Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.
Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.
I worked as a Corporate Lesion.
Special Skills: Speak English.
Served as assistant sore manager.
Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.
Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.
Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.
Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basisCute Dog Quotes
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. - Anonymous
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. - Will Rogers
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. - Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andy Rooney
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. - Franklin P. Jones
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. - Joe Weinstein
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! - Anne Tyler
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look hat says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' - Dave Barry
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them. - Phil Pastoret
Marriage Lines.... (Thanks to Ming Gumban)
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriagecertificatefor an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
-------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
----------------------
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
--------------------------
Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
-----------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
--------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied:'I like your sense of humor!'
Is there a perfect Man and Woman? CLICK HERE Philippine TriviaInteresting Facts Every Filipinos Should Know
(Shared by Atty. Sonny Pulgar)
***
HUWAG MALIBOK JOEKS LaAng
***Interesting Ads and Signs
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it. .
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last
Stock up and save. Limit: one
We build bodies that last a lifetime
See ladies blouses. 50% Off!
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops! Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
For sale: A quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale
And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and Up after.
Back then...
...A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show, a window was something you hated to clean, and ram was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend, and gig was something you did on stage for money; now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment, a program was a TV show, a cursor used profanity, and a keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age, a CD was a bank account...
Compress was something you did to the garbage, not something you did to a file, and if you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire, hard drive was a long trip on the road, a mouse pad was where a mouse lived, and a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocketknife, paste you did with glue, a web was a spider's home, and a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head. I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they wish they were dead.Linguistics
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive.
In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."
"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."***Energy
Engineering classes at the University of Maryland are tough, and struggling students sometimes go to extremes in order to pass. Grading exams one semester, I got to this question: "What is the relationship between kinetic and potential energy?"
One student, obviously stumped, decided to get clever and wrote, "As far as I know, they're just friends, but there could be something else going on there."***
YANO YAN AY!
