Viewpoints

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

(Salamat sa ating anonymous sender) 

College life is hard. Full of problems, puyat, pagod and when you feel you can’t do it anymore… stand up, be confident and say, “Pag ako, tinopak… mag-aasawa na lang ako!”
***
BOY: Miss, astronomer ka ba?
GIRL: Bakit?
BOY: Kasi, pag nakikita kita, parang nasa out of this world ako. 
***
Bakit masarap magmahal ang mga taong mahilig magpatawa?
#1 Ngiti pa lang niya, panalo na.
#2 Lagi kayong masaya kahit problemado na.
#3 Magaling magdala kahit sablay na.
#4 Hindi ka talaga tatanda sa katatawa.
#5 Pag naging seryoso, talagang tatamaan ka.
#6 Sigurado, malalahian ka ng matalino. Mahirap yatang mag-isip para lang makapagpatawa.
#7 Kahit nasaktan mo na, feeling mo, okey lang sa kanya. Hindi mo alam, halos mamatay na siya kung paano niya ilalabas ang luha niya, dahil mas importante sa kanya na lagi kang masaya. 
***
Mahal mo? Ayaw sa ‘yo.
Ayaw mo? Mahal ka.
May gusto sa ‘yo? Friends lang ang kaya.
Umalis si mahal, dumating si bago.
Bumalik si ex, umiyak si bago.
Umalis si ex, wala na si bago.
Gago talaga ang mga tao. 
***
It’s hard to hanap a perfect kaibigan coz naman, ‘noh, look how big da mundo!
Heller, you think I can lakbay that all the way?! Di na, ‘noh?! No need!
Eh why pa?! I have you naman! 
***
CARLA: Madam, magpapahula po ako.
MADAM VUHALA: May bago kang manliligaw sa susunod na linggo. Ma­ginoo, galante and guess what? Hindi siya pangit kundi… napakapangit! 
***
DIEGO: Madam, magpapahula po ako!
MADAM VUHALA: May bad news at good news. Bad news, magtatanggal ng 10 empleyado ang iyong amo. Good news, hindi kasama ang mga pangit!
***
ELMER: Ano’ng pulutan n’yo kahapon sa birthday mo?
JUAN: Pata!
ELMER: Wow! Anong klaseng pata?
JUAN: Patagalan ng kuwento!
***
Stupid flirtings and infatuations may lead to a major disaster.
But somewhere between these stupid jokes… FALLING IN LOVE becomes true.
***
Make sure you make someone happy before the day ends…
Even if the someone is yourself.
***
If you leave something wonderful with those who come to your life… they will find it hard to erase you from their hearts.
***
Life is indeed short…
So, forgive like you have amnesia, believe like a kid, love like crazy, laugh till you fart, never regret anything that made you happy…
And learn to appreciate what you have before time forces you to appreciate what you had.

Forgive, learn, love.

“Sometimes, you have to act as if you are dead to save yourself from getting hurt.”
Sabi ‘yan ng ipis. 
***
“Bakit ba pati ako, binibigyan mo ng malisya? Ano ba ang kasalanan ko?” -- TALONG
“Hindi lahat ng malakas, superhero.” – ANGHIT
“Kahit paano, gusto ko pa rin ng exposure.” -- SINGIT
“Hindi ko hinangad na ipagmalaki mo na ako’y sa ‘yo. Ayoko lang naman na sa harap ng ibang tao, ganu’n mo na lang ako itanggi!” – UTOT
“Hindi lahat ng hinog ay matamis!” -- PIGSA
“Sige, kalimutan mo ako para malaman ng iba ang baho mo!” -- DEODORANT
“Panakip-butas mo lang pala ako!” – PANTY
***
“Paano tayo makakabuo kung hindi ako papatong sa ‘yo?” -- LEGO
“Bakit mo ako binibitin kung kailan kainitan at basang-basa ako?” -- SINAMPAY
“Painitin mo ako… Kailangan kong pumutok para ako’y matikman at ika’y masarapan.” –POPCORN
***
STRESS TEST
There is a very, very tall coconut tree, and four animals – King Kong, Ape, Orangutan and Monkey – pass by.
They have a competition to see who is the fastest to get the banana.
Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
Try and answer within 30 seconds.
Got your answer?
Here’s the analysis. If your answer is…
Orangutan = Stupid
Ape = Fool
Monkey = Idiot
King Kong = Imbecile
WHY????
Coconut trees don’t have bananas. It’s obvious you’re stressed by your work. 
***
Ako’y maliit kapag hindi gamit
Ako’y humahaba pag hinawakan
Pinadadaan sa dibdib, ibinababa sa butas
Doon ipinapasok at pagkatapos, hinuhugot!
Ano ako?
SAGOT: Seatbelt 
***
“I would gladly catch a bullet for you… and when I’m dying in your arms… on my last breath… I would apologize for staining your shirt…”
Banat ng isang EMO sa nililigawan niya.
***
Meron akong tatlong chocolate. Humingi ka ng dalawa. Ilan ang natira?
Charaaaaan!!!
Syempre… tatlo pa rin! Hindi naman kita binigyan,

JESUS: At sinasabi ko sa ‘yo, Pedro, sa pagtilaok ng manok ay tatlong beses mo akong ikakaila. At ikaw naman, Hudas… Hoy, Hudas! Makinig ka! Huwag kang basa nang basa ng jokes d’yan!

**
Para kumita ng mas malaki, pasukin ang iba’t ibang LORDS of business.
NOON: Gambling Lord, Drug Lord.
NGAYON: Pati pagi­ging lider ng relihiyon… ‘Praise the Lord!’
***
“Basta PAGKAKAPE­RAHAN, inyo nang asahan… mag-uunahan ang mga tusong Congressman!
“Hindi tatantanan, maghirap ka man… Lahat, pabubuwisang!” himutok ng samahang MABANTOT (Mamamayang Banta sa Tax On Text)
***
FR. DAMASO: Naba­litaan kong nag-away kayo ng kumpare mong si Bartolome. Ano ba ang dahilan?
FELIPE: Dahil po sa 15 at 16.
FR. DAMASO: Ano man ang dahilan ay maganda ang pagpapatawad. Ano ba ang 15 at 16 na ‘yan?
FELIPE: Kasi, nagpataya ako kay pareng Bartolome sa jueteng. Itinodo ko ang P200… pero hindi niya itinaya. Ibinulsa niya ang pera!
FR. DAMASO: Ano ang nangyari?
FELIPE: Lumabas ang 15 at 16, Father. Tumama sana ako ng P120,000 at ibabalato ko sana sa inyo ang P20,000.
FR. DAMASO: Huwag mo nang kausapin habambuhay ang Felipeng ‘yan! Pwe!
***
Ayon sa Banal na Aklat… Kapitulo Generoso, Bersikulo Baso, nagsa­sabing…
“Inumin mo na ang iyong tagay nang da­han-dahan para hindi tayo matagalan. Parehas lang din ang patutunguhan. Susuka ka rin nang magdamagan.”
***
Bakit ka magpaparamdam sa taong hindi marunong makaramdam?
Huwag kang magpakatanga sa taong hindi marunong magpahalaga.
Matuto kang sumuko at mang-iwan kung lagi ka namang sinasaktan.
Imbes na magtanong ka ng, “Hindi pa ba sapat?” – bakit hindi mo na lang kalimutan ang lahat?
Kung alam mong binabale-wala ka na, tanggapin mong nagsasawa na siya.
Huwag kang magpadala sa salitang “sorry” at “ayokong mawala ka.” Kung totoo ‘yun, patunayan niya.
***
Ang puso natin, parang Rubik’s cube.
May susubok buuin pero susuko rin. May pipilit bumuo pero iiwan din.
May taong dadaan at aayusin, at pag nabuo na… bigla uling sisirain.
***
Stupid flirtings and infatuations may lead to a major disaster.
But somewhere between these stupid jokes… FALLING IN LOVE becomes true.
***
Make sure you make someone happy before the day ends…
Even if the someone is yourself.

BASTA PINOY, OK

(Thanks to Inag Avila)

Bill Gates needs a new chairman for Europe
   
Bill Gates   organized an enormous session to recruit
a new Chairman for Microsoft   Europe.

5000 candidates assembled in a large room.
One candidate was Isaac Magtanggol.

Bill Gates: "Thank you for coming. We'll do this by process of elimination to speed up the process. Those who do not know JAVA may leave."

2,000 people left the room.

(Thanks to Doc  Suzie Ong) 

TEACHER:   Matthew, go to the map and find North America ..
MATTHEW:   Here it is.
TEACHER:  Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS:       Matthew.
____________ _________ _________ ______

TEACHER:  Megan, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
MEGAN:         You told me to do it without using tables.
____________ _________ _________ ___
TEACHER:  Ed, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
ED:       K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L'
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong
ED:       Maybe it is wrong to you, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________ _________ _________ __ _______
TEACHER:  Matthew, what is the chemical formula for water?
MATTHEW:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:  What are you talking about?
MATTHEW:     Yesterday you said it's H to O.
____________ _________ _________ ____
 
TEACHER:  Megan, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
MEGAN:     Me!
____________ _________ _________ _____
TEACHER:  Ed, why do you always get so dirty?
ED:        Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
____________ _________ _________ _________
 
TEACHER:    Eddie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
EDDIE:          I is...
TEACHER:    No, Eddie..... Always say, 'I am.'
EDDIE:          All right.....  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'    
____________ __ ____________ _______
TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Edu, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
EDU:     Because George still had the axe in his hand.  
____________ _________ _________ ________
  
TEACHER:  Now, Ed, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
ED:      No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook..
____________ _________ _________
  
TEACHER:    Megan , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
MEGAN:      No, sir.  It's the same dog.
____________ _________ _________ _____
TEACHER:     James, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
JAMES:       A teacher!!!!!!!! 

 TAWA MUNA KAYO
(Salamat kay Capt. William "Kamlon" Francisco)

Finally, the Filipino says "Liver alone, cheese mine!"
************ ********* ******
How do you know if siopao meat is made of cat, rat or dog?
Pinch a piece of siopao and let the cat smell it.
If the cat likes it...rat!
If it doesn't...cat!
If it runs...dog!
************ ********* ******
What's the difference between corruption in the USA and corruption in
the Philippines ?
In the US , they go to jail. In the Philippines , they go to US!
************ ********* ******
Bakit laging Intsik ang kinikidnap?
Kasi pag Pinoy - hulugan!
Pag Bumbay - 5-6!
Pag Kano - credit card!
E pag Intsik - C.O.D.!!!!
************ ********* ******
Lulubog na ang barko...
PARI: San Pedro, San Jose ...
MADRE: Sta. Fe, Sta. Lucia, Sta. Clara...
INTSIK: lubok na balko! tawak pa kayo pasahelo!
************ *****

GANITO DAPAT MAGHATID NG BALITA (Salamat kay Henry Folloso)

Kumiriring ang telepono ng madaling araw...

KATIWALA: Hello, Master Carlos? Si Arnaldo po ito, 'yung katiwala niyo sa bahay-bakasyunan niyo.

CARLOS: O, Mr. Arnaldo, ikaw pala. Ano't napatawag ka? May problema ba?

KATIWALA: Uhm, napatawag lang po ako para abisuhan kayo na namatay ang alaga niyong parrot.

CARLOS: 'yung parrot kong si Pikoy, patay?! 'yung nanalo sa bird show?!

KATIWALA: Opo, Master Carlos, 'yun na nga po.

CARLOS: Putris... sayang! Ang laki pa naman ng nagastos ko sa ibong 'yon. Hay, buhay! Teka, ano nga ba ang ikinamatay niya?

KATIWALA: Eh, kumain po kasi ng bulok na karne...

CARLOS: Bulok na karne??? At sino namang salbaheng tao ang nagpakain sa kanya ng bulok na karne?!

KATIWALA: W- Wala po. Nanginain po siya ng karne ng isang patay na kabayo.

CARLOS: Patay na kabayo??? Anong patay na kabayo, Arnaldo???

KATIWALA: Eh, 'yun pung mga thoroughbred horses niyo, Sir. Namatay po kasi lahat sila sa pagod, kahihila ng kariton ng tubig.

CARLOS: Nasisiraan ka na ba ng bait?! Anong kariton ng tubig???

KATIWALA: 'yun pong pinampatay namin ng sunog.

CARLOS: Diyos ko po! Anong sunog naman 'yang pinagsasasabi mo???

KATIWALA: 'yun pong halos tumupok sa bahay niyo. Tumumba po 'yung isang nakasinding kandila, tapos nagliyab 'yung kurtina at mabilis na kumalat ang apoy.

CARLOS: Ano?! Oh My God...... Eh, may kuryente naman diyan sa bahay-bakasyunan, ah. Para saan 'yung kandila???

KATIWALA: Para sa burol po.

CARLOS: Ano!? Kaninong burol???

KATIWALA: Sa nanay n'yo po, Sir. Bigla kasi siya dumating dito nu'ng isang gabi, walang kaabi-abiso. L ampas hatinggabi na. Akala ko po magnanakaw. Binaril ko.

 
SA MADALING SALITA  

JUAN: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

ATTY. AGATON: "Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures."

A DAY OFF WORK

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for:

There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

Committee Rules

- Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. - Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise. - Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others. - When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed. - Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular - it's what everyone is waiting for. 

What is "pi"?

Mathematician: Pi is the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter.

Engineer: Pi is about 22/7.

Physicist: Pi is 3.14159 plus or minus 0.000005

Computer Programmer: Pi is 3.141592653589 in double precision.

Nutritionist: You one track math-minded fellows, Pie is a healthy and delicious dessert!

((Thanks to  our anonymous sender)

Ang Babaeng Sumipsip ng Taba sa Aking Tad-yang… DRA. VICKI BELO.
Ang Mga Babaeng Walang Tadyang… SEXBOMB GIRLS.
Ang Babaeng Malaki ang Tadyang… NADIA MONTENEGRO.
Ang Baklang Nasa Nguso ang Tadyang… DIE­GO.
Ang Babaeng Mukhang Tadyang… PATANI.
Ang Babaeng Bakat ang Tadyang… BEBE GANDANGHARI. 
***
PUSO: Mahal ko talaga siya!
ISIP: Alam ko, sobra pa nga, ‘di ba?
PUSO: Alam mo naman pala, eh! Bakit pi-lit mo pa siyang kinakalimutan?
ISIP: Kasi, ayoko nang masaktan ka…
TIYAN: Makinig ka naman kay Isip! Kasi, sa sobra mong pagmamahal, hindi ka na kumakain! Tulala pa minsan!
LIVER: Korek! Palagi ka pang umiinom. Naapek-tuhan na kami ni Kidney.
LUNGS: Ako rin, nahihirapan nang huminga.
-- Mga Emoterong Lamang Loob. 
***

KATHY: Bakit dalawa ang suot na relo ng boyfriend mong si Bryan?
ELLA: Hmph! Two-ti­mer kasi ang hayup na ‘yan!  

Lost in Translation

Problems with my laptop required calling the dreaded company help line. The service representative, who is based in another
country, did not speak English very well. So I tried to explain it as simply as possible: "I can't get the computer to work."

"Ah, I see," he responded. "You are unable to transport your computer to your place of employment."

Hospitality, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and lodging. --
------

"We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office." --Aesop

Judge's Tooth

The judge said to his dentist: "Pull my tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth."

Being Truthful

The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"

"I do."

"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"

"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."

Side Effects

Lady says to pharmacist: "Why does my prescription medication have 40 side effects?"

Pharmacist replies: "Cause that's all we've documented so far."

Five Senses

Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.
and, most importantly,
Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.

MAG=EXERCISE TAYO TUWING UMAGA

It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost boobs...
{B} Barely there
{C} Can't complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake
{G} Get a Reduction
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!

             DOCTOR'S OPINION

The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and
the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

The Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some assholes in Washington.

Taxes Defined

A fine is a tax for doing something wrong.

A tax is a fine for doing something right.                      

Analyst and Broker at the Races

A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the races. The broker suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. The analyst was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. The broker whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince the analyst.

"You are too theoretical," he said and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed: "I told you, I knew the secret!"

"What is your secret?" the analyst asked.

"It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine."

"But, three and five is eight," the analyst protested.

"I told you, you are too theoretical!" the broker replied, "Haven't I just shown experimentally that my calculation is correct?!"

Fishing

Billy and Willy were at Sunday school studying about Noah's ark. On the way home, Willy asked, "Do you think Noah did much fishing?"

"How could he?" said Billy. "He only had two worms